2011 Sobriety Rocks Winner – Best Writing
Life Without Me
by Jenna Naumann
Graduation day. The day that couldn't come fast enough; the day I'd spent years looking forward to. High school had been fun, but I was ready to get on with my life. I want to get out there, try new things. I want the opportunity to live on my own, get overwhelmed, miss my parents, and go running back to the calming familiarity of my room.
I fidget nervously in my seat, my eyes scan the audience looking for my parents. My nervousness increases when I can't find them. They should be in the front row, they always reserve seats for the Valedictorian's parents. I barely listen to the slow drone of Principal Haworthe, but I can tell it's almost time for my speech. I try to make eye contact with Tanner, we've been best friends for as long as I could remember, and usually just seeing him would calm me down. But he looks troubled, and in need of a good night's sleep. I call to him, but he doesn't turn around.
Growing more panicked as the Principal finished his speech, I hear the words "Valedictorian" and shakily stand up. I inhale deeply before walking toward the podium, but Josh, the runner up, is already there. I shoot Tanner a confused look, but he isn't looking at me. He's staring straight ahead, tears wet on his face. My heart aches to go to him, to comfort him, and I hesitate for only a moment before I do so. I've already caused a scene by standing up, and I'm beyond caring at this point. I can't stand seeing Tanner like this.
When I reach him, he doesn't look up. I can hear his quiet sobs, and place my hand on his shoulder. He shivers, then proceeds to sob harder. I glance around at the other members of the student body. The majority looks sad, and my friend Heather, along with several other people are also crying.
Rachel, my closest girl friend, wraps her arms around Tanner and he breaks down. None of this made any sense, they had never been particularly close, and definitely not as close as we were. Why would he go to her? Why wouldn't he even look at me? Why was he even upset? He'd been happy the last time we'd hung out. We'd stayed up late talking about the future, making plans to share an apartment. I couldn't think of any reason for him to be upset.
I turn around when I hear Josh say my name. It was an effort to take my eyes off of Tanner's face. My vision falters as I look out toward the audience. The ground sways beneath my feet, and I close my eyes tight.
~~~~
I am engulfed by the noise of a crowd, a large crowd by the sound of it. I can hear people cheering, and I feel the deep vibrations of drums within my chest. My fingers ache and I realize I had been clutching my seat. I slowly open my eyes, not quite sure why I'd had them squeezed shut in the first place. I glance around the bleachers. Everyone is excited and on their feet cheering.
My focus shifts to the field, and I immediately spot my brother, Daniel. He looks older than I remember, much older, but he still has his boyish smile, which he flashes at the audience. I stand up and shout his name, cheering him on. I hear a few other people shouting his name and glance around to see my parents.
I call to them, but they don't look. My mom only furrows her brow slightly, and grabs my dad's arm. He looks down to see her sad expression, and gives her a sad, knowing smile. "I know honey," he says. "I wish she were here too."
I frown. "I'm over here," I shout over the noise. A pained expression crosses my mom's face, but she still doesn't look over. I'm here, but I don't know how I got here. My legs feel weak and I have to sit down. I try to think back. What led me here? I couldn't remember anything before I had opened my eyes. I don't remember driving here, I don't even remember getting up in the morning. I close my eyes and try harder, cradling my head in my hands, and think. The noise of the crowd slowly fades away.
~~~~
My body sways to the music, I don't listen to the lyrics, it's not my type of song, but the beat is easy to dance to, especially if you've had a few drinks. I open my eyes to see my friend Heather grinding on a guy that I don't know. I have a suspicion that she doesn't know him either, but I doubt she cares. We are all beyond caring at this point.
I had never let myself go like this before; I always tried to do the right thing. I really did, but it was my senior year. According to Heather, I needed to cut loose and have some fun. And it turns out, I was having fun. I enjoyed the intoxicating effects of alcohol, the sense of carelessness, of freedom.
I let out a loud laugh and spun around, my arms outstretched. It took me a moment to realize there wasn't any music, and people were starting to leave. Heather rushes over to me and I only make out the words "go" and "cops" before she is dragging me out the back door to the alley where my truck is parked. Before I know it, I'm sitting in the drivers seat with Heather beside me.
"Now," she urges. My mind is foggy, and I know I should resist, but I can't seem to form the words. "Come on!" She shouts.
I wish I had come with Tanner; he would never have yelled at me, or told me to drive. I hesitate for a moment longer before I start my truck and put it in gear. I stop again to fumble with my seat belt.
"There's not time!" Heather shouts. "We need to go, NOW!" I drop the belt and put my hands back on the wheel. I pull onto the main road and head in the direction of my house. At least I think it's the right direction.
The road is narrow. There are too many turns, and in the back of my mind I register that I'm probably going to fast. I should slow down, but by now it's too late. I swerve around a corner and am met by blinding light, I can hear the grind of metal on metal and Heather's shriek. There is a sharp pain in my temple and all sound is lost.
I feel like I'm sinking, being drug down to the deepest depths of the ocean, with all the weight of the water pressing against me from all sides. The pressure lasts for what seems like forever, and after it's gone I regain the ability to think. And I think. What could have been.
~~~~
I never got to graduate. Never got to watch my brother grow up to play football. I was a smart kid, and I worked hard to make my parents proud of me, and they were proud. I had everything going for me. I was a smart kid, who made one dumb, life changing decision. I got drunk.
If I could go back to that night, to that party, I would do everything differently. But I can't. I learned that while there are not always second chances, there are always consequences to drinking. And I'm not the only one paying the price -- my parents, my brother, Tanner, and all my friends and classmates have to learn to live life without me.